["finished" sounds like Qal, but it is Pual, passive of "finished" in the next line]
He finished
that seventh day
the work
He’d done [I like this way of phrasing it]
He rested [the implication of "Sabbath" here seems to important to ignore]
that seventh day
from work ["from all the work" after "blessed" really belongs here, no?]
He’d done
He blessed
the seventh day
from all work
He consecrated it
for ceasing [implicitly; but the text says He consecrated it BECAUSE he had ceased]
from work
God had made [seems important to distinguish ברא from עשה, no?]
for doing. [I guess you deliberately saved "God" for here?]
In general I'm not yet understanding the mix of Buber-Rosenzweig-Fox literalism and creative freedom you're trying to achieve. E.g., "He'd done" is very colloquial; "from work" is neither literal nor standard English, and the two phrases sit awkwardly together for me. Perhaps I had better read the "Why & How" entry before saying more!
Heavens and Earth and their whole order finished
["finished" sounds like Qal, but it is Pual, passive of "finished" in the next line]
He finished
that seventh day
the work
He’d done [I like this way of phrasing it]
He rested [the implication of "Sabbath" here seems to important to ignore]
that seventh day
from work ["from all the work" after "blessed" really belongs here, no?]
He’d done
He blessed
the seventh day
from all work
He consecrated it
for ceasing [implicitly; but the text says He consecrated it BECAUSE he had ceased]
from work
God had made [seems important to distinguish ברא from עשה, no?]
for doing. [I guess you deliberately saved "God" for here?]
In general I'm not yet understanding the mix of Buber-Rosenzweig-Fox literalism and creative freedom you're trying to achieve. E.g., "He'd done" is very colloquial; "from work" is neither literal nor standard English, and the two phrases sit awkwardly together for me. Perhaps I had better read the "Why & How" entry before saying more!